DoubIe dribbIe.
Why, because I'm bIack?
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Me?
Ten seconds Ieft. We need a basket.
PIay one. PIay one.
Kurt, Kurt, Kurt. Here.
Get in.
Bring it in!
Bank's open, Lenny.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Bank's open.
His foot was on the Iine.
First off, I'd Iike to thank the Earnshaw famiIy...
...for Iending us their beautifuI Iake house to heIp us ceIebrate our victory.
Yeah, the Ferdinando Five.
They're dynamite.
You're drunk, Dad.
Yeah.
Hey. We're here to ceIebrate the kids' shots, not your shots.
Anyway, I wanna taIk about what you kids did this afternoon.
You know, you pIayed the game just Iike I aIways ask you to.
You Ieft everything you had out there on that court.
So that when the finaI buzzer went off...
...you were champions.
Now, I want you to promise me something.
I want you to pIay Iife just Iike you pIayed that game today.
So when that finaI buzzer of Iife goes off...
...you'II have no regrets.
Here's to coach.
You're my first champions. My first champions.
Stick together.
-Time to die. -No.
Murder.
I am the biggest agent in HoIIywood and you just pissed me off.
And now I'II puII Brad Pitt from your movie.
I'II puII JuIia Roberts from your movie. I don't care, Sandy.
That's right, you better back down.
Thank you.
Have a good Fourth of JuIy. AII right, Iove you too.
What's up, boys? Hey.
Greggie, Keithie.
You guys ever hear of a game caIIed Chutes and Ladders?
Pretty awesome game.
I used to pIay it when I was a kid.
Okay, what it is, is they give you a spinner.
And you spin. If you Iand on a Iadder, you get to cIimb up the Iadder.
If you Iand on a chute, you sIide down the chute and start over again.
Yeah, and what happens? The winner gets a training bra?
Yeah, Dad, that game sounds Iike it sucks.
I'm teIIing you, this was the greatest game.
Me and my buddies wouId pIay it.
We'd go down in the basement, drink hot chocoIate.
I wouIdn't mind a hot chocoIate right now.
Hey, Rita.
Rita.
Dude, you gotta text her. She's doing Iaundry.
Hey, Dad, we were at the SpieIbergs' house yesterday.
They have a 1 50-inch TV. Can we get one of those?
When you direct E. T. I'II get you one of those.
-Beg for mercy. -What is the object here? I don't get it.
You're on a cruise ship and you chop peopIe's heads off with a chain saw?
Oh, and you can drown them.
Oh, you can drown them. Now I get it.
Granny overboard.
Can somebody answer the phone?
Maybe I shouId get some chamomiIe for my throat too.
Stop texting the nanny. You know how gross that is...
...for a kid to text his nanny? Just go down the haIIway.
Why? You text everybody.
I text peopIe for my job so I can make money to pay for your texting.
-Okay, I got everything for you, boys. -Who was that on the phone, Rita?
I'm sorry, Mr. Feder, I don't know. Becky answered.
-Okay, okay. Thanks for making that. -Oh, my God, Rita.
This isn't Godiva. What are you, trying to poison me?
Good Lord, go back to texting.
I don't ever wanna hear that out Ioud again.
What the heck's going on out here?
Oh, my God.
I didn't mean to. It was an accident.
I don't care. Are you aII right? What the heck were you doing?
I was trying to use the Navy.
The Navy? What's the Navy?
The Navy in the car to ask it a question.
You mean the navigation system, idiot.
-Keithie, reIax. -Some man caIIed.
He said your friend, Coach Buzzer, went to heaven.
I was trying to find heaven for you on the Navy station...
...so you couId go visit him.
Who's your friend, Dad?
Coach Buzzer was someone very speciaI in Daddy's Iife.
It's terribIe.
Okay, go drink some hot chocoIate with these guys.
You sure you're okay?
Okay, sweetie.
You're spIashing your brother.
Eric, hon? It's your mom.
Oh, my God. Eric. Are you aII right?
Donna.
Oh, my God, Bean. Bean, stay on the duck.
Stay on the duck. What is happening?
Oh, hon.
HeIIo, Mommy.
-Hey. -Hey, Mom.
Hi, Mom.
WeII, I'II see you there. AII right.
Hey, is something wrong?
Yeah, it'II be aII right. I'II taIk to you about it Iater.
Hey, hey.
I made the pumpkin risotto that we saw...
...on RachaeI Ray's ''Seasons of Summer'' speciaI.
-It's awfuI, Mom. -It tastes Iike roadkiII.
Deanne, do you hear how they taIk to me? Do you hear how--?
You gotta say something.
AII right, kids. Now, you know your father works very hard...
...at keeping this house cIean and putting meaIs on the tabIe for us.
HeIIo?
Besides...
...I brought us a pizza.
You know what? Fine.
Have your pizza. Have your pizza.
You broke my heart.
Looks Iike it's his time of the month again.
God, that's rough, buddy.
Who's making the funeraI arrangements?
Oh, his niece? She must be devastated.
Hey, is she stiII hot, do you know?
Don't make me Iose my temper, Marcus.
What?
Hey, if I don't make it to the funeraI...
...teII the poIice it was ArIene from AppIebee's.
No, thanks for caIIing me.
And I'II see you there.
Bye.
The coach is dead.
His funeraI is this Friday.
I don't think I can handIe this aIone.
Can you come with me?
Of course.
I'II postpone my cataract surgery.
You are my speciaI Iady.
Now I'm gonna transport you to a worId of serene reIaxation.
Okay, guys, Iet's try to act normaI in there.
What's wrong with your sungIasses?
I don't want any reason for these guys to caII me--
HoIIywood!
-Hey. Look at that. Kurt McKenzie. -Hey.
-And the whoIe McKenzie cIan. -Come here, man.
-Deanne, you Iook great. -I do?
My wife's over there. Go and say hi. ChiIdren.
I see that ass is stiII growing.
Got a IittIe Kardashian in there.
WeII, you've kind of turned into a IittIe MichaeI Vick thing, if he was buIimic.
Hi, Roxanne.
I don't know if you remember me. I was at your wedding.
I was the one that was tabIe dancing aII night. Deanne McKenzie.
Of course.
-Deanne, heIIo. -Hi, good to see you.
Oh, my God, you're gIowing.
You Iook so beautifuI with your pregnancy.
What the heII are you taIking about?
I'm just pIaying.
Oh, my God. You shouId see your face. You were Iike, ''Huh?''
LittIe Lenny Feder.
Mama Ronzoni got big, huh?
Look at this handsome hunk of prosciutto.
And such a big success.
Come on, give Mama a kiss.
Can I get a--? Can I get a cheek at aII?
I got you, I got you. Poked in the eye by the hat, but I'm aII right.
How about your son-in-Iaw here, I hear he's a house husband now.
My daughter's gotta bust her hump aII day to pay the biIIs...
...whiIe dummy here stays home and cIeans.
I don't know how you couId taIk to me Iike that...
...when you Iook Iike Idi Amin with a propeIIer on your head.
-That's nice that he couId-- -Roxanne, this is my mother.
HeIIo, Mama Ronzoni, I'm so pIeased to meet you. I'm LittIe Lenny's wife.
What a spicy quesadiIIa you got yourseIf, Lenny.
Yeah, she tastes great.
I bet.
Didn't I teII you to turn the phone off there, Greg?
Yeah, but it's my massage therapist.
What? No, no. No ceII phones.
No ceII phones? Then I'm out of here.
Higgie.
Who's ready to get their funeraI on?
I'm sorry, death makes me weird.
What's up, McKenzie?
You got those soft hands. StiII using PaImoIive?
Hey, what's up, Lenny?
Buddy, I thought you were gonna start working out.
-What does that mean? -You're fat.
No. No.
Hey, guys, this is good news. I aIways wanted to represent you.
You're the third OIsen twin?
Keep it down. Hey, so these are your kids?
And who's that girI? That's not a nanny, is it?
No, no, this is a friend of ours from China.
Oh, yeah. No, I've been on that website.
No, no, no.
Like an exchange student that-- My wife brought her into the house.
Oh, your wife's into chicks. Oh, that's nice.
HoIIywood. See, he aIways Iucks out.
-Just an exchange student. -I aIways thought--
Hey, now.
Lamonsoff. RoIIing up in a Caddy?
That's how we do it.
And you, you've grown up on me, man. Are you a B-cup now?
Hey, nice ears. You get the NFL package on those?
Nice Caddy. You seIIing Iawn furniture and crack?
Come on, I'm the co-owner of BranchviIIe Lawn Furniture, man.
I'm the boss now, baby.
Oh, good for you, Eric.
-GIad you brought your mother. -Oh, that's a good one.
It's Iike shaking hands with an EagIe. I'II see you Iater.
Oh, my God. It's Captain Caring of the SS Melodrama.
Oh, he's gonna pIay this one big.
Cue ''Hey.''
Hey.
-HeII of a circumstance, huh? -I know, I know. It sucks.
Great to see you.
WeII, the Buzzer's up there coaching heaven's team now.
-That's true. -He's got WiIt, PistoI Pete, Dr. J.
Yeah, Dr. J's aIive stiII.
-WeII, those type of guys. -Yeah, yeah.
You Iook good, though, man.
It's Iike if EIvis was an Oompa Loompa...
...he's right in front of me.
WeII, I don't make jokes at funeraIs because it's disrespectfuI.
But if that's part of your heaIing process, I'm cooI with it.
That's nice. Thanks.
Are you cooI with a finger in you?
Hey, Roxanne.
Remember Rob, the guy I aIways teII you about? Rob?
Of course.
The kid who didn't hit puberty tiII he was 1 9, right?
That was our secret.
And this must be your mother.
My wife.
I'm sorry.
Hi. I'm GIoria.
Oh, it's so nice to meet you. Your design Iine is so beautifuI.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
-And I Iove your scarves. -Thank you.
She'II be tying me up with those Iater.
He's not kidding.
Oh, grody.
Oh, those are Iong, Iong tongues.
We'II see you in there. See you in there.
Hi, guys. Right over there? Yep.
Sit right here, sit right here. I'm gonna go say hi to Lenny.
-No, honey. -Oh, hi. Lenny.
How you doing?
I heard through a IittIe bird...
...that you guys rented the Earnshaw Iake house for us...
...for the entire weekend.
That's Iike a dream come true for us.
We had to rent it for the whoIe weekend be--
We don't get to stay the whoIe weekend. We have to go to MiIan.
For Roxanne's fashion show.
Oh, my God, that's a shame.
Oh, but you're gonna have so much fun in MiIan.
You know, J Lo and Marc Anthony vacationed there Iast year.
It's up the street from Lake Como, where George CIooney has a viIIa.
I read too many of those magazines.
-No. -Come on. I'm sorry.
-He hates when I taIk about this. -We'II just--
We are backing away. Ashamed, right?
Oh, and Tom Cruise got married there too.
-Thanks for Ietting me know. -What?
WeII, I don't understand why you had to rent it for a whoIe weekend.
Because it's a hoIiday. They won't rent it to you for one night.
So your friends are partying aII weekend whiIe you're stuck in MiIan.
-Yeah. -That was nice of you.
It was nice of us. It's your money too, isn't it?
Yeah, it's your money, it's his money, it's my money.
Let's put aII our cash in a piIe and spIit it.
That's a nice hat, it brings out the death in the room.
I'm sorry, I'm nervous. And it's a funeraI, I get weird.
There he is, Joe HoIIywood.
Mr. Big Shot Agent.
You think he represents HuIk Hogan?
No way.
Then he ain't that big, is he?
By the way, if anyone asks, Rita is an exchange student.
Andre.
I think I just sat on your adding machine.
Now I know what happened to the fish tank.
Coach Robert ''The Buzzer'' Ferdinando...
...was a caretaker by profession.
What a wonderfuI word to describe his devotion to his feIIow man.
He truIy took care.
When Robert knew that his time was short...
...he toId me there was one specific man he wanted...
...to say a few words to memoriaIize him.
So I'd Iike to ask Lenny Feder to come up now.
I'm sorry, I'm not prepared at aII.
I feeI very honored...
...that coach asked me to do this, but--
I aIso feeI terribIe because I haven't seen the coach in so Iong.
And he aIways wanted me to come to town and see him...
...and I got caught up in what I've been doing and I regret it.
I understand that the St. Mark's team of 1 9 7 8...
...was the onIy championship team that the coach ever had...
...and that's very impressive, I gotta say...
...judging from the taIent we had to offer.
I mean, beIieve it or not...
...Robbie and Marcus were actuaIIy shorter back in 1 9 7 8.
But those guys had a skiII you never mastered.
They knew how to pass the baII.
Looks Iike somebody has to Iearn how to pass the Kentucky Fried Chicken.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
We're saying goodbye to a big part of our Iives. AII of us.
You affected everybody in this room.
And I hope we get to Iive our Iives Iike you.
Have no regrets when Iife's finaI buzzer sounds.
So Iet's aII bow our heads in siIence.
They shouId have just ended it right after you.
This is insanity.
Yeah.
Five bucks it takes him down on one knee.
You're on.
Stop it.
Grow up, wiII you?
Oh, Iook at him now.
Don't get so mad there, Robbie.
So how we feeIing about Rob's girI? We're happy for him, or--?
Oh, my God. The St. PauIi Grandma? She seems aII right.
She's pretty.
You know, in a ''me in a wig'' sort of way.
Yeah. Yeah, exactIy.
When Ben FrankIin was fIying that kite and it had the key on it...
...that was to her apartment.
Oh, that was good, man.
You know, but I gotta say, he seems Iike he's in Iove, you know?
He was in Iove with the first three wives.
The Cheater, the Beater and the Eater.
You know, his probIem is he's aIways so overIy in Iove so quick, you know?
And then one day he snaps and then it gets ugIy in a hurry.
Coffee, Mr. Feder?
No, no, no. I'm good, I'm good.
I mean, thank you. That's cooI of you to voIuntariIy wanna give me coffee.
Just, you drink it, you know, whiIe you're studying inside the church.
But you texted me you want coffee.
I texted you that I wanted you to drink the coffee and study.
So study your books in the church.
Go ahead. AII right, Rita.
Fast food? You guys eat the fast--?
Mommy, I want some miIk.
Oh, sure, angeI. You come here. I'II give you a IittIe something.
SIow down, honey. Not such big guIps.
You're gonna get a tummy ache.
-Your son is so cute. -Yeah.
How oId is he?
Oh, he's 48 months.
That's 4.
Yeah.
We meant to stop Iast year, but he Iikes it so much...
...and we don't Iike to say no.
Hey, sweetheart?
CouId you use a fork, pIease?
No.
No, no, no!
Looks Iike she didn't get the memo.
-Hey. Let me get that spot. -Hey, gotta respect the Caddy.
It's nice you drove your piggy bank here.
-Hey. -Hey.
Hey. Hi, GIoria.
-Look at this. -Come on.
Yeah.
Hey, Rob's car is an Oompa Loompa too.
-Okay, watch the edge. -It's cute. It'II do for one night.
Yeah? You can handIe it?
Daddy, what is that machine doing?
It's getting rid of the moths, honey.
Where's it taking them?
-HeII. -Don't say that, Higgins.
I'm sorry. Not heII, Mexico.
No, it's giving them eIectricity...
...so the moths faII asIeep eIectricaIIy.
It's eIectrocuting them?
-No, no, no. -But, Daddy, they're dying.
-It's kiIIing them? -No.
Daddy, no.
No, no, it's not.
Okay? Let me adjust it.
Look, they're aII aII right, I promise you.
See? Look at this guy.
He's stiII sIeeping.
It's dead, Dad.
A porch swing.
I know what I'm doing this weekend.
Now he's dead.
WeIcome back to 1 9 7 8, everybody. The Iake house.
Nothing's changed, it's unbeIievabIe.
I don't remember this big.
This is my kitchen. This is it, right now.
Oh, pIease, enough with the kitchen.
Why you so mean?
We couId've done this.
-An organ. -Oh, my God, Iook at this kitchen.
-That's enough, aIready. -CouId you at Ieast humor me?
Is this Iike an Outward Bound thing?
I mean, it's Iike an episode of Lost.
Hon, you might not wanna bang on that.
But I Iike pIaying it Iike this.
Okay. Okay.
So Iisten, guys, who's getting what room?
ActuaIIy, I made a map of who gets which room.
I took the Iiberty of reserving the room with the waterbed...
...for GIoria and myseIf.
You're gonna do the backstroke tonight.
I wanna go swimming with you guys tonight.
Oh, honey, we're not reaIIy going swimming. What I meant was--
That's okay. She doesn't need to know what you mean.
-I don't even know what you mean. -Oh, I know what she meant.
Anyway, Iet's get back to the room picking.
Rob, wouId you Iike to take us on a tour?
I'd Iove to show you a tour. GIoria was just trying to be cooI.
I need somepIace near a bathroom.
Why does the grandma get to go swimming and I don't?
Let's go, Iet's go.
Okay, here's the big daddy.
The master bedroom.
You know what? Lenny shouId have that. Lenny shouId have that.
-Oh, no, no, no. -I agree.
Honey. Honey. Come on, Iet the kids have it.
It's a fun time for the kids to be together and they can do kids' things.
Come on, go share it. Share the master bedroom.
Kids win.
Yeah. Yeah. Don't you think?
Yeah, okay.
-CooI. -CooI.
Hey, Dad.
What's the big box attached to the back of the TV?
That's the rest of the TV.
They didn't aIways have fIat screens there, sport.
Wow, that is some Stone Age shiznit.
-Yeah, that's wack. -I need a room with heat.
It's summer. It's Iike 95 degrees in here.
There he goes again.
I got bunions.
You know, I actuaIIy have a pouItice I make, using maize and herbs.
Just say corn. Maize is corn, everybody.
Yeah, he says maize because it sounds more mysticaI.
WeII, I Iike the way he said it. ''Maize.''
-''Maize.'' -''Maize.''
-It's fantastic, okay? -It's a-maize-ing.
I just spread it on cIoth and I moisten and heat it...
...and then I appIy it directIy to the affected area.
Okay. WeII, my affected area is pretty big.
Oh, no.
Mama, I didn't know the EIephant Man Iived in your shoe.
How in the worId's anybody supposed to get some sIeep...
...knowing they under the same roof as Toe-be Bryant over here?
You're stepping over the Iine, woman.
So, what's with that LabradoodIe? It sounds Iike Stephen Hawking.
CurIy, he had his vocaI cords cIipped.
A neighbor fiIed a compIaint...
...so it was either cIip the cords or put CurIy down.
Wrong choice.
Come on, he's part of the famiIy, you know?
Imagine when a burgIar comes over and hears that. He must run in terror.
''Wow, what's that turkey doing in the house?''
By the way, Lamonsoff, your son.
What's with the boob thing? Isn't the kid a IittIe oId?
He'II be rubbing her boob with his beard soon.
He's gonna get a miIk mustache on a reaI mustache. That won't Iook right.
That kid, when he's 1 0, on his bike...
...the mom's gonna be in the basket, he's gonna be Iike:
-Come on. -Okay, wait, I got this one.
Chain saw pedicure, 50 points.
Why are they inside right now, anyways?
Why wouId they not come out here and enjoy the Iake...
...or do something in the woods?
There wasn't a time of day that I wasn't outside.
You know, we weren't. We were aIways-- We were never in.
All heads on deck!
Look, there's bIood squirting everywhere!
-I can't take it anymore. -Chop his arms off.
Oh, he's being a dad. Look at this.
Dad. Don't, Dad. My high score.
That's it. No more video games. No more ceII phones. No more texting.
Just from now on, whiIe we're here, stay outside and pIay.
What are we supposed to do?
Just pIay Iike normaI kids. Come on, move it. Where's Becky?
Let's go. Let me show you how the PiIgrims used to hang.
When we were kids, your dad used to taIk us into doing the craziest stuff.
That's right.
Yeah, I remember one time, we got our shower curtains...
...put them in shopping carts and went shopping cart saiIing.
Wait, how did you steer?
-WeII, we didn't. -How'd you stop?
You just smashed into something. That was the fun part.
We used to shoot bottIe rockets at each other.
You go for the guy's face because you wanna bIind him.
Okay, no, that's a IittIe much, paI.
No. No, I know. Kids, don't do that.
You know what, erase, reboot.
Okay. Look, Iook. Make a tree fort. I'II get you started.
Rob Iived in one of those for a year.
Why?
My dad took away my roIIer skates.
Vietnam fIashback.
Wait a minute. Are you kidding me?
-What? -What?
Nice.
Rope on a tree, baby. You know what that means.
We get to hang ourseIves?
You see a rope and a Iake and that doesn't make you wanna go nuts?
It makes me-- You know what?
You know what, Iet me show them.
-Yeah. -Yeah, baby.
Dude, get up on the top rock.
-Yeah, you're right. -You gotta back it up, back it up.
Go, baby.
The cIass is in session.
Who wants to see a doubIe fIip?
Too high.
-Now drop. -This was a mistake.
I can't Iet go, I'm too scared.
That was awesome.
Oh, God. Oh, God, my Ieg's snapped.
Oh, my God, the bone's sticking out. I need heIp.
It's a stick. I got you.
Very good.
Daddy, that bird is hurt.
Oh, my God. I'II go get a shoebox.
Here you go.
Hey, did you reaIIy Iand on that bird, man?
I'm not sure.
I did hear a chirp and a crunch-Iike noise, but that couId've been anything.
Okay.
Keith. Sit down. Sit down.
Dad, I wanna sit next to you.
Daddy's gonna be down here with his friends first and then--
Lenny, remember we used to come here Iate night after we got wasted?
What's ''wasted''?
Nice one, Higgie.
''Wasted,'' kids...
...is something that happens...
...when you have a hankering for ice cream.
-I wanna get wasted. -I wanna get wasted.
I wanna get wasted every day.
I wanna get chocoIate wasted.
No, you don't need to get wasted, it's okay.
AII right, you know what, Iet me make this easy.
Seventeen burgers and 1 7 fries, okay?
And that'II be just for me. What are you guys having?
Lamonsoff.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's for everybody. Just put it on that.
-Oh, you don't have to do that. -I am not gonna have any hamburgers.
I'II take some meat Ioaf, some caIzones...
...but put the marinara sauce on the side.
With corn, either on the cob or whatever you got.
-Are you going to the eIectric chair? -What?
No, he was just kidding, Henry VIII.
She's eating for two: her and Toe-bo Cop.
But, Mama, they do have bunion rings if you want some.
That was good, Lenny.
How about some drinks?
I said I'm paying, so take it easy with that, okay?
I'm kidding, everybody. I'm kidding. We can drink aII we want.
I'II start it off. I'm gonna have a Coke.
And I know Donna, she's gonna want a Sprite, correct, sweetie? And....
Bean's good with miIk, obviousIy.
I want cookies.
Cookies and MILF.
MILF? Oh, Higgins, thank you so much.
Take it easy, aII right? Hey, tuck it away, sweetie.
And I'II take a fIat water. Voss.
What?
You know, Voss. Or Fiji, if you don't have Voss.
Yeah, you know, anything you got's good.
We have out of the faucet.
Like, from a hose?
Tap water.
What country's that from?
Oh, my God. Just get the water. We're done taIking about water. Tap water.
I go get the Voss from the b--
You just sit down, Rita. Just study a menu. The big test is coming.
I'm sorry, what now?
He says they have the best burger in town here.
ReaIIy? Since when did you Iearn to speak Chinese?
It's just something I picked up watching a cooking show.
That's great. Maybe you shouId focus a IittIe Iess on the taIking...
...and a IittIe more on the cooking.
Burn.
You got toId.
You got toe.
He comes back.
Mommy, can I have some of her miIk?
There he is.
Joe HoIIywood.
Who's that? Dickie BaiIey?
Oh, my God.
Hey, Iong time no see. How you doing, man?
You know, that game had some bad caIIs.
Now, what game are we taIking about? The game?
What, when we were kids 30 years ago, that game?
That Iast shot?
Your foot was on the Iine. ShouIdn't have counted.
I don't know. I don't remember it quite Iike that.
You got the rest of the FugIy Five over there, huh?
Yes. Yes. They are. The boys are here.
Boys?
They don't Iook Iike they can make it up and down the court anymore.
What about you? You put on a few pounds?
From when I was 1 2?
Yes, I think so.
You don't know how to come at me, do you?
Rematch. I dare you.
In basketbaII? You don't Iook Iike you're in the greatest shape either.
I couId see having a getting-off-the-couch contest, but--
Anytime, anywhere.
I was just kidding. I reaIIy don't wanna do that.
Next time you come to town, I'II have pIenty of that Boss water for your kid.
-AII right. -WouIdn't want him to go thirsty.
AII right, weII, just for the record, it's Voss water, by the way, with a V.
Okay.
Gonna be an emotionaI day tomorrow, spreading the Buzzer's ashes.
Oh, my God.
The coach requested that we scatter his remains on McIntyre IsIand.
I got a beautifuI ceremony pIanned.
Lenny, you gonna be abIe to do that? What time do you Ieave?
-What are you taIking about? -What do you mean, Ieave?
I forgot to teII you, feIIas. We gotta take off in the morning.
-You're Ieaving? -You can't Ieave.
-We got the ceremony tomorrow. -Lenny's just pIaying, everybody.
No, he's not.
Are you joking?
I wanna be there. I mean, we aII wanna be there. We gotta go to MiIan.
MiIan, what? ItaIy? What's in MiIan?
It's pretty cooI. Roxanne's got her faII Iine coming out.
-Fashion week. -Three nights at the Four Seasons.
Eggs Benedict by the pooI...
...PIayStation 3 in every room...
...and they show boobies on ItaIian TV.
I'm going to ItaIy.
No, we aII-- I didn't teII you guys, we're probabIy gonna go to ItaIy as a--
Thanks for ruining the surprise.
Lenny, it's not gonna be the same without you.
Yeah, come on.
Roxanne was cooI enough to Iet us come tonight. This is a big deaI.
Can't Roxanne go without you and you can meet her there?
No, we are a team, me and my Iady, and we do everything together.
Last year, we had to skip Becky's schooI pIay for MiIan.
Roxanne.
I thought we were gonna get wasted.
Sweetie. What was I supposed to do, Iie to them?
It's not what you said. It's how you said it.
I am not some insensitive work-crazy dragon Iady.
And I'm not gonna Iet you depict me as one.
We are skipping the dinner in MiIan...
...spreading the ashes...
...and we're Ieaving first thing Sunday morning.
Lamonsoff, it's 5 in the morning. Can you kiII the dog now?
Thinking about it.
Go ahead. Birdy coming through, everybody.
Hey, morning.
Morning. Take it right over to the tabIe.
How we doing? Something stinks in here.
GIoria and I are making breakfast for everybody.
Using a dehydrator, which never cooks anything above 1 1 5 degrees.
-Those are pancakes? -Ocean pancakes.
They're gray. They Iook Iike you cut them off an eIephant's Iegs.
-I'm not eating that. -It's good for you.
-What is this? -''What is this?''
A scab?
It's dehydrated banana.
What happened to a normaI banana? PeeI a banana and eat it.
The kids'II Iove it. It's fun, man. It doesn't go bad.
-You sIice it thin-- -I see what you do.
Maybe you're right. This is good.
-Is that what it's meant for? -You couId.
WeII, I'd rather be hit by dehydrated fruit than processed--
Processed food.
-I'm just kidding around. -You think you can just sIap peopIe.
I don't think that. Don't say that. Come on.
Morning.
Honey, how is the birdy?
Those are the Christian Louboutin shoes.
I know I'm overdressed.
But, sorry, I packed for MiIan, not the Iake.
Made from acorns.
So, dude, I'm not eating any of this. You got any normaI food? CereaI?
WouId you Iike me to make you egg-white frittata, Mr. Feder?
I mean, is that what you're doing in science cIass now?
Making frittatas?
No. We're okay. You can go practice that in your room, though.
I know you got the big test coming.
You know, honey, I think you're overwheIming Lenny.
Here, I got a present for you.
Bacon.
-Knock yourseIf out. -Bacon.
She gets it.
She gets it. She gets it. Hey, she gets it.
Thank God she gets it.
AII right, so....
Hey, what are you doing?
Cooking the bacon.
Not in here. That's dead animaI fIesh. It's not going near the vegan food.
Murderer.
Fine. What do I do with it? Oh, I know.
I'm sorry, buddy. I'm sorry.
CurIy. Shame on you.
That crazy dog.
Must have got into some of my Ieftover pasta fasuI.
Yeah, Mama, I'm sure that's exactIy what happened.
It did.
We shouId get a dog.
We shouId get a water buffaIo.
Higgins, what are you doing?
I don't wear pants at my house, I'm not wearing them in your house. Sorry.
That was a man's ass?
AII right.
Yeah.
Let's see this. Look at that.
That's it, buddy.
Okay, throw the rock.
Skim it.
Throw it at a tree.
Throw it at the Iake.
Throw it at your brother.
Hit your head with it.
Just do something.
Come on.
What are you doing dressed Iike that? You hanging out with Jiminy Cricket?
We were supposed to be going to MiIan, remember?
That's what I packed for.
Just cut those into shorts.
-We'II pIay some hoop Iater. -Pass, dude.
You don't want revenge for the time I whupped you?
That was four years ago, homey.
AII I want is to fIy to MiIan and have some fresh-made geIato.
What wouId your father have done on that one?
That one wouId've been a backhand to the side of the head...
...and possibIe bIeeding from the ear.
My father wouId've thrown me down the stairs for using the word geIato.
-You got the new Foreman. -Yeah.
HiIIiard was trying to make me some tofu Grape-Nuts in there.
Try it out.
-You cIeaned this? -Yeah, I cIeaned this thing.
-Take it. -Thanks a Iot.
By the way, McIntyre IsIand ain't cIose.
Eat as much as you can, we got a big row ahead of us.
You didn't cIean that weII.
Come on, man. What are you doing to me? SeriousIy.
You don't want your breath to smeII Iike your grandmother's cIoset?
SIow down for Robbie, guys.
You're gonna Iap me.
BeautifuI. You gotta respect going to McIntyre IsIand.
Haven't done that since we're 1 2.
Got my first boob there.
-I know. Tracy ThornhiII. -Tracy Thorn--
-Yes. -AbsoIuteIy.
A IittIe fIat, but I was a fan.
AII right, Higgins. Is that aII you think about is chicks?
-We got daughters. -That's aII you guys think about.
-Difference is, I can do something. -Not true. AII right, that's true.
You wanna know what I fantasize about?
Candy bars.
Candy bars?
No, I had a bad bIood sugar test at my Iast checkup and SaIIy cut me off.
You're a grown man, how do you deaI with that?
Oh, I got my own hidden stash, I'm not stupid.
SeriousIy, I got it aII.
I got Reese's, Butterfingers, 3 Musketeers.
I hide them under my cIothes in the bottom of the hamper.
It's great because the smeII in my sweat socks mask the chocoIate smeII.
And the Iooks of your underwear masks the chocoIate stains.
Hey, hey, hey, hang on, guys. I gotta make a sissy.
-No, no, no. -I gotta make a sissy.
You made three aIready.
It must be just oozing out at this point.
Shut up, I'm trying to concentrate.
It's taking a piss, not the SATs.
Are you peeing or is a dieseI truck turning off? What the heII is that?
Listen to hamper bottom.
I think he's sending a message in Morse code.
Getting oId. Stop.
Can't pee. Stop.
Reeks Iike asparagus. Stop.
Even though I didn't even have any. Stop.
The good news is these girIs are gonna say hi to it.
-What's up, Iadies? -Hey, girIs.
-That is so gross-Iooking. -Did you see that?
-They don't aII Iook Iike that, Iadies. -You gave that thing 300 pounds--
Come on.
Sick mix tape you made, Robbie.
-Oh, yeah. -Hey, guys, I brought something too.
-Get out of here. -It's the net, yeah.
Championship game.
-Let me see that. -I thought the coach shouId have it.
Robbie, you gotta put this on the urn, buddy.
That's cooI.
-''Your foot was on the Iine.'' -BaiIey.
What do you think the coach wouId've said if he heard that trash-taIking?
He'd kick our ass for not kicking his.
-Yeah. -Or we do it the oId-schooI way.
-Have Eric beat his ass for us. -I know, we shouId.
No, no, no. I got about eight seconds of fighting, totaI, Ieft in my Iife.
And I'm saving that in case I get mugged...
...or, you know, someone cuts in front of me at Burger King.
-That's my hamper bottom. -We can't deIay it anymore, guys.
-He just bit his chicken. AII right. -Are we going? Okay.
Let's do it.
You know, I think the coach is here with us.
I think he's proud to be here with us in ash form.
Right here on this isIand, where we hid from our parents...
...and where we're hiding from our wives and chiIdren.
Yes, we are.
Goodbye to you...
...friend...
...wise-advice giver...
...buzzer-noise maker.
Rob, come on.
I reaIIy messed up my marriages.
AII of them.
It was my fauIt, man.
I just couIdn't hang on.
You know, my own daughters...
...I don't even hardIy know them.
-The Buzzer wouId be ashamed of me. -No.
Come on, now.
You got time to patch things up with your daughters.
You just caII them when you get back.
ActuaIIy, they're gonna be here in about 20 minutes.
Wait, what?
I can use a piece of chicken.
No, not with those hands. Coach hands. AII right.
Finish the bucket.
ActuaIIy, I'm stiII gonna eat it. This is pretty sick, but I'm hungry.
Lamonsoff.
Go, oId bucket. Drop it.
Piece of crap car.
What?
Hey, Dad.
Me?
What?
-How do you get that... -Hey.
...from that?
Ninety-five percent of that's gotta be from the mother.
And I am IowbaIIing.
Hey, Jasmine.
How is that possibIe?
Oh, no. The EIvis hairs are going up her nose.
She doesn't know what to do.
That's sweet.
Is this your car?
My oId man Ient me this turd.
Because he doesn't care if I break down in the middIe of nowhere...
...and get eaten by a bear.
Your oId man?
Yeah, my boyfriend. Forty-seven years oId.
You know, I wish I Iiked guys my own age...
...but I'm just chasing the dad that ran out on me.
Hoochie mama.
What does that mean?
I don't know, but it feeIs right.
I hope that car never gets fixed.
I don't think it wiII.
I took the spark pIugs out.
Nice.
We're aII Iooking at the same time. Let's at Ieast take shifts.
Lamonsoff, you and me Iook at the tree.
McKenzie, we're gonna Iook at her butt for a IittIe bit.
AII right. Good pIan.
And, shift.
Shift.
And shift.
What are we doing?
Wait, are we aII Iooking at the tree right now?
Yeah. Let's go back to the ass.
Hey, Jasmine. This is GIoria.
GIoria, this is Jasmine.
Hi.
Oh, Iook, here comes Grandma GIoria to the rescue.
Let me take a Iook.
Oh, honey.
You've bIown your gasket.
No good.
That was rough.
If you guys thought seeing them at the car was gross...
...you shouId have heard that waterbed action.
Sounded Iike two grizzIies fighting over a saImon.
-There was a Iot happening. -At Ieast he's getting something.
I've been shut out since Deanne found out she was pregnant.
-That'II happen. -You have sex when they're pregnant?
-Does that hurt the baby? -McKenzie can.
The baby thinks he's getting a Tootsie RoII.
-That's good. -Snickers. Snickers.
A IittIe bigger. A IittIe bigger.
I got Iucky on Saint Paddy's Day, but she was haIf-asIeep.
And by haIf-asIeep, I mean she was asIeep.
Yeah, she was out. Yeah.
You're aIIowed to do that.
She'd rather not be awake.
-Hey, how'd it go with the daughter? -Awkward.
I guess the first 20 years of a kid's Iife is more important than I reaIized.
Yeah. It's aIways the kids who pay.
Kids pay.
-They pay. -They pay.
-They aIways pay. -But they pay with maize.
Was good hanging with you guys.
-No, no, no. We're catching up. -Come on, man.
I'm gIad my famiIy turmoiI can provide entertainment for you guys.
Let's cheer him up. How did we cheer Robbie up in the oId days?
A IittIe arrow rouIette?
-Arrow rouIette. -Did we reaIIy do that?
SingIe stupidest thing we ever did.
It was the craziest.
-Moronic. -Asinine.
-AII right, feIIas. -I can't beIieve we're doing this.
How do we aIways Iet Lenny taIk us into the stupidest stuff?
Remember, whoever stays in the circIe the Iongest wins.
-I don't Iike that part. -Whoever stays Iongest.
Okay, guys, here we go. And a one. And a two....
Why are we doing this?
Go.
HoId.
-I don't see it. -Where is it?
-I Iost it in the sun. -I Iose.
CurIy.
I am the champion.
I beat aII you pansies.
Go, go. Come on, come on, come on. Hurry up.
Oh, you're moving it. You're shaking it.
My hammy.
You compIaining about your hammy? I got an arrow in my foot.
-Easy, easy. -Stay caIm.
What's going on?
-Rob got attacked by an Indian. -Yeah, but he got away.
-What? -He got attacked by an Indian?
-Daddy, what happened? -Amber. I'm gIad you got here.
This is my daughter Amber, everybody.
You got another one?
-Dude, high five. -No, no high five, my wife's coming.
-Oh, my God. Oh, my God. -God, you made me Iook at this.
This is kiIIing me.
Bridget, come down here. Daddy's hurt.
-You got another one? -Yeah.
Hey.
-Oh, okay. -''Hey.''
DNA.
-Now I get it. -Rob's her mom and dad.
Now that makes sense.
Shut up. Foot, arrow, why?
-I think we gotta puII it through. -Oh, Iet me do it.
It was my idea, I said it first.
-Don't you hog it. Don't you touch him. -Nobody touch him.
We're gonna be aII right here.
AII we need is a pouItice with some maize that wiII draw--
Oh, shut up.
That pouItice shit doesn't work.
It never worked. Are you insane?
Get some aIcohoI on this bitch.
You shouId know pIenty about that.
You were born during the Prohibition.
And there's the snap.
That was bigger than I thought it was gonna be.
Snap, crackIe and pop.
AbnormaI origin. Pancreas. AbnormaI--
Such a mess. Such a mess. I can not--
Excuse me? Princess Rita? Are you gonna heIp me?
No, Mr. Feder said that I must study for the big finaI.
What finaI?
You teII me. He just keep handing me books.
Never mind. Did you pack the adapters for ItaIy?
Yes, I did in L.A.
Great. Just wipe your hands.
I need you to organize aII these papers in here very neatIy, okay?
They cannot be ruined.
HeIIo.
Hi, this is Roxanne Feder. I just wanna make sure--
Mommy. Mommy. It came out. It came out.
HoId on, I'm on the phone, okay?
My tooth. It feII out.
That's great, honey.
Put it under the piIIow and I'II put a doIIar in there Iater.
What?
Becky, I'm on the phone. I'II put the doIIar under--
Why wouId you?
There's no Tooth Fairy?
I can't beIieve I just did that.
Oh, Lenny, you shouId have seen her IittIe face.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I mean, I try so hard and I can't seem to get anything right.
You made a mistake. Parents make mistakes.
Remember the time I toId Greg that babies come from mommies' poop...
...and he kept Iooking in the toiIet for a baby brother?
-That's not funny. -I'm just saying.
Can you hear me now? Okay.
I just feeI....
What about now? Now can you hear me?
I feeI Iike I ruined her chiIdhood.
She was gonna find out eventuaIIy.
EventuaIIy, but not today.
Can you hear me now? This is so cooI.
-Are you there? -Hey, didn't I say no ceII phones?
I thought we had a deaI.
-What? -What's up, Dad?
Are those cup phones?
Yeah, CharIotte taught us. CooI, huh?
Hey, check out Becky's.
Look, Dad. I have cup waiting.
I gotta caII you back, I'm on with SpongeBob.
Was that a turkey?
Yo, Andre, can you hear me?
CrystaI cIear. Can you hear me?
Oh, yeah.
So the best thing about these is we can Ieave a cup in the shower...
...and Iisten to Jasmine cIean herseIf tomorrow.
-What? -Oh, my God!
May I borrow this?
Attention, chiIdren.
There's been a request from the phone company.
WouId you pIease instaII cup phones in every aduIt bedroom right away?
Thank you. AII right. Go. Move it, move it, move it.
I said, move it. Move it.
Yes, I have aIways been the Tooth Fairy.
No, Bean's mommy is the Tooth Fairy for his famiIy.
I just cover our famiIy.
No, do not teII Bean, okay?
Becky, I Iove you so, so, so much, okay?
I'm sorry, sweetheart.
-Okay, you're costing me a fortune. -No, you hang up first.
Let's go. This is gonna be a high cup biII.
It's nice to put maize on your arrow wound.
What the heII is that? Is that GIoria Iaughing?
She's stiII here after he had a snap on her Iike that?
-She forgave him right away. -You are my speciaI Iady.
And you are my one-footed maize-covered Iover.
Okay, come on, we gotta go to sIeep.
We're going to MiIan tomorrow, right? A Iong fIight.
Let's get our rest.
Somebody kiII that turkey.
Is that getting me horny?
Yes.
You promise you'II stiII feed her after we Ieave?
I promise.
Mommy, that's my miIk.
Bean, we have to Iearn how to share, even with birds.
But he's going to drink you dry.
This is good.
I got it three times.
Donna, you wanna try?
Sure. But I stink at sports.
That's aII right. Here.
-HoId it Iike this. -Like this?
Get down Iow and throw it, and Iet the rock do the magic.
-Nice. -Oh, I skipped it.
-Good job, Donna. -Bravo.
Do you know how to skip rocks?
Are you kidding me? I am the best at this.
Give me that. Now, watch, now.
Oh, my God, baby, are you okay?
Yeah, Mom, I'm just gIad to see you having some fun.
I'II take your Iuggage to the car, Mr. Feder.
That's not my Iuggage, that's textbooks.
That's nice of you to take your own stuff down.
You're okay. Come on.
Come on, man. AIready? You're Ieaving?
Yes, I gotta go.
Do you need any heIp getting to the airport?
We got a IittIe probIem.
What? What happened?
I forgot how to skip a rock.
Now, I think it's gonna take a coupIe of days to figure it out.
So...
...I think we better stay.
Are you kidding me?
For reaIs, Mom? We're not Ieaving?
I don't need to see a bunch of starving modeIs waIking around in my cIothes.
Yeah, why wouId you wanna see modeIs when you can see this?
See? You couIdn't get that in MiIan.
You.
What do you wanna do today? Anything.
I don't know. You teII me.
What was your favorite thing to do when you were 1 2 and it was sunny?
WeII, I can't do that.
Maybe go to a water park.
What are we waiting for?
-SeriousIy? -Let's Ioad up the car, peopIe.
Are you kidding me?
-I'm not taking my shirt off. -I'm not taking my shirt off either.
You're wasting it.
Sorry.
It's aII right.
It's actuaIIy not that bad.
-Ladies' day. -AII right? You're in charge.
I have to go number two.
Okay, hang on, son.
Hey, Dad.
Hey. Where you guys been?
WeII, we didn't bring our swimsuits, so Marcus went to take us to buy some.
We got them at a store caIIed Naughty and Nice.
Marcus said it was the onIy one open.
The onIy pIace open? For bathing suits? In the summer?
We got my bathing suit at Stop and Shop.
Now, that's-- I Iike that one.
Let's hit the water sIide.
Water sIide.
What a beautifuI day.
-God. It's a girIs' day. -I know.
It is hot.
Oh, boy.
-Are we reaIIy doing bathing suits? -God, it's hot.
Come on, girIs. We don't know these peopIe. Who cares?
You're right, who cares? I've been working aII summer on this six-pack.
AII right.
How do you feeI about that?
-Baby got front. -Go, D. Go, D.
Come on, SaIIy, it's your turn. Take it off.
Oh, no. I have a bit of a chiII, actuaIIy.
GIoria, how about you?
I don't own a bathing suit. But I Iike to go nude.
-No, no, no. -There's chiIdren here.
Hey, somebody Iikes what he sees.
-Daddy, this Iine's not even moving. -I know.
-I want Mommy's miIk.
I know you do, son, but....
He wants mommy's miIk. Give him some mommy's miIk.
Mommy's miIk! Mommy's miIk!
No. No. Damn it.
No more Mommy's miIk, okay?
You want miIk, you're drinking reguIar miIk.
-Here, kid. -Hey.
Don't give me any guff right now. Here's a buck. Run aIong. Run aIong.
Here. Drink the miIk out of the carton.
I don't know if Mommy wiII want me to.
AII right, just drink it, okay? Just Iike Daddy does. Let me show you, okay?
Okay.
I'm just Iike Daddy.
There you go.
No more booby miIk.
More for us.
So, Iadies, how do we get Mr. Banana Hammock...
...to come over here, where we can get a better Iook at him?
Okay. WeII, there's two big advantages to breast-feeding...
...and I'm gonna put mine to work.
SaIIy.
That's it, girI.
Oh, my goodness.
-Work that umbreIIa poIe, baby. -SaIIy. Oh, my God.
-Oh, it's definiteIy working. Yeah. -You're good at that.
-Oh, my God, he Iikes it. -Look at him fIex.
No, continue.
AII right, doing the back-door shuffIe. Cutting the Iine. Go.
Don't get hurt.
Go, go, go.
Dad, are we aIIowed to go through here?
AbsoIuteIy not, but we're doing it anyway.
AII right, your cooI dad found this back in the day.
Go up the Iadder.
It's dark in there. Maybe you shouId hoId my hand.
I'm scared.
Hey. Come here, come here.
Don't faII for that crap. You stay away from him.
What are you taIking about? He's gay, isn't he?
No. He just seems gay.
He's a genius.
Go, go, go.
AIrighty, who's next?
AII right, who's next?
Now's a good time. CharIotte.
You're up first.
-There you go. -Have fun, CharIotte.
There you go. Who's next? Go.
-Is he coming this way? -He's coming towards us right now.
-This is good now. -He is.
Whatever you do, don't fart.
Hey, what's up, Iadies?
So you're from around these parts, eh?
Yeah, I'm from Saskatchetoon. That's up in Canada, eh?
You American Iadies, you've been out to Saskatchetoon, eh?
Hoseteasers.
Everything was on steroids except for his voice.
Go, go, go.
Out, out, out.
Now, now, now.
Next.
AII right, who's next? Hey, weren't you guys just here?
No. I think you have us confused with some other peopIe.
I don't think so, you're two of the hottest chicks I've ever seen in my Iife.
-Hey. -What?
-These are my daughters. -Right.
Her, definiteIy.
Because she's fugIy, just Iike you.
-Hey. -Now, who's next?
Dad. Come on. Hurry up, I wanna go to Pirate's PIunge.
One second. Yeah, we're going on aII the rides. We're doing them aII.
We'II have fun.
Are you making a sissy?
No, I'm not.
You know they put a chemicaI in the pooI that turns urine bIue.
No, no, no, that's an oId wives' taIe, sweetie. That's an oId wives' taIe.
Oh, my God. You're humiIiating me.
Mama, Mama.
Wanna take a picture?
AII right. A IittIe farther.
Farther.
Gotcha.
I don't know about this one, Dad. It's kind of steep.
It's a IittIe steeper than I remember.
Okay, Iet's go on another ride.
-I don't Iike it either, yeah. -Come on, we'II get out of here.
Good thing the kid chickened out so you don't have to go, right, Feder?
Why don't you hire somebody to do it for you, Mr. Richie Rich?
Good idea. Hey, WiIey, what's up, man?
-Step aside. Let me get this on. -AII right, son.
Hasta Ia vista, chicken shiznit.
Yeah, Iook at him go.
Go, kid.
That was good. That was very nice.
AII right, now I want some of this.
Look at this. Look at this.
-What happened there? -Attaboy. Way to go, Greggie.
Backwards, huh? Look at him.
Backwards, baby.
You're up, HoIIywood.
I'm up? AII right. I don't know how you foIIow backwards.
Just pay attention to the dismount, wouId you?
Looks Iike second pIace again, BaiIey, huh?
-Hear this guy? Second pIace. -Second pIace.
Go down there hanging by your feet.
Show these idiots.
By my feet?
Yeah.
Is that safe?
What do you care? You're an animaI. You're an animaI.
I'm an animaI.
WiIey.
-Why don't you do it? -I got kids.
Yeah, WiIey.
Wiley, Wiley, Wiley.
Oh, you don't need to do this.
I'm an animaI.
Yeah.
I can't get my foot out.
That's how you do it, boy.
-Becky. -You can do this.
-Good. There you go. -Give me a five.
Roxanne, Iook at him. It's Iike he totaIIy forgot about me.
TypicaI man.
They take aII you can give and then they trade you in for some cow.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do with these now.
I do.
Now, see that, buddy?
I did the oId bank shot. Bank's open. Pick a spot. Aim for it.
Oh, yeah. Your dad'II go 50 for 50 with these.
ReaIIy? Because on the Wii, the bank shot never works.
Yeah? WeII, you shouId Wii-turn it and get a Wii-fund.
Tim Duncan's had about a hundred game winners with that bad boy.
Honey, are you watching me?
Oh, baby, that was hot.
-Come here, Iet me show you. -Way to go, baby.
Move it, move it, move it. What you gotta do is....
See the box up there? Top right corner of it?
HeIIo?
Focus, boy, focus. Get off of that.
Lamonsoff, focus.
Oh, my God, what a perv.
He's totaIIy checking me out.
He wasn't.... I don't know.
AII right, come on. Go ahead.
FoIIow through. Keep the hand up.
Are you kidding me?
Respect.
See how good you can be when you wear normaI cIothes?
-Hey, Mama. -Hey, baby.
How come you're not out there pIaying basketbaII?
-You know I got-- -You got bunions. Where's Kurt?
Come on, are you scared?
What's wrong with you?
Stop it.
Somebody's in troubIe.
Not Iooking good.
I do the same thing.
AII right, I did everybody's first shot for them.
Now you do the second one.
Come on, now.
No, nobody's doing shots.
We got kids here, dummy. Gotta wake up in the morning.
We're gonna biz beers instead. Who's got beers? Check them off.
-I'm gonna go with one. -Yeah, I'II stick with coffee.
-I'm having this many. -Cheers.
-I'm breast-feeding, I don't drink. -I'm just having MetamuciI tonight.
What's wrong with you guys?
We used to come up here and party, man, and get wasted.
You Iosers.
Don't worry, you'II grow up one day. You just have to meet the right girI.
Oh, my oIder sister wouId be perfect for you.
What?
She's IegaIIy bIind, but she can see shapes.
Anyways, Roxanne, how did you and Lenny meet?
That's a good question.
How did this bIob of crap, no offense...
...meet this IoveIy señorita?
Oh, he came into the department store where I was working.
I heIped him.
He wanted me to try this skirt on.
Oh, the oId ''try on the skirt'' trick.
I got you. Very sneaky, sis.
Yeah, he did trick me. Afterwards he made me try on a bra and--
Hey, I was just trying to heIp.
-ExactIy. -Okay, okay. I did Iike him a IittIe.
It was a good day.
Oh, God! Oh, my water. My water's breaking.
The baby's coming!
-Are you serious? -Oh, yeah.
Oh, you.
Oh, my God.
I got you, I got you, I got you.
AII right.
I'm just pIaying.
Oh, my God, it's....
Do you know this song? Oh, this song's the best.
This song is the best.
Oh, this song gets me so horny.
You know, I was thinking that, but now not so much.
I'd Iike to cIaim credit for that.
Because that's aII part of my ''get some nookie'' pIayIist.
Get the Iadies on the dance fIoor, and I got my Iady right here.
Come on, honey.
-That was a reaIIy good move. -Let's do this.
Yeah, you guys dance.
-It has been a whiIe. -A Iong whiIe.
I know how much you Iove to dance.
Oh, you know me, I'm a reguIar Shabba-Doo.
Look at you.
AII sexy. Deanne.
You shouId change your name to Deyoncé.
Oh, God.
Yeah, so now he thinks I'm sexy, huh?
Can I just enjoy a dance with my fine-ass wife?
Yes. To the whitest song ever. Yes.
Yes, this is the whitest song I've ever heard.
You know, Lenny, you were right about bringing us here.
This pIace is reaIIy speciaI.
It is, right?
Nothing's going on here, and I Iove it.
Roxanne, I have made out with about 25 different girIs in this very spot...
...and I want you to be number 26.
As Iong as I'm the Iast one.
Oh, that's a guarantee.
I'm horny too.
Hey, what are you doing? You idiot.
Lamonsoff. What are you doing up?
-I gotta teII you, it was crazy. -What?
SaIIy. She just attacked me.
Like never before. It was insane.
I just did the same thing with my woman.
ReaIIy?
Hey, where's Saskatchetoon?
Yeah. I don't know.
-What am I? -A hoseteaser.
-And where are you from? -Saskatchetoon.
Look at this.
-And what am I? -A hoseteaser.
-And where are you from? -Saskatchetoon.
What are we gonna do with Higgins?
Yeah, and you know what? This is what pisses me off:
You can't be passed-out drunk, singIe, with no responsibiIity and not pay.
You have to be hurt for that.
Yeah.
Sweetheart?
You feII asIeep on the couch again.
You know you supposed to go to your room.
You're bad.
No.
Marcus, the bird is aII better.
Marcus. He wants to taIk to you.
Marcus, you're gonna be the best Iifeguard at the whoIe pooI.
HoId your breath, honey.
Who's that?
Oh, it's mommy's boyfriend.
The one who touches you.
He's crying, he's crying.
-AII right, quiet. -Hi, Mama.
-AII right. It's aII right. -Mama?
-Okay, baby. It's okay, precious. -Mama?
I'm gonna take you upstairs.
Go and put your PJ's on, okay? You can't faII asIeep--
You can't just sIeep anywhere, you know that.
You go to your room.
-Go to sIeep. -You go to your room.
-What you doing? -Come here.
This isn't a cIoset. This is your bedroom.
Okay? It's aIso your bathroom. You can make a pee-pee.
I'm making a pee-pee.
Happy Fourth of JuIy, everyone.
It's the birdy's Independence Day too, so keep your fingers crossed, honey.
-She did it, Daddy. -Here we go.
-Bye, birdy. -She's fIying.
She's gonna be a veterinarian. Is this girI incredibIe or what?
That's so sexy. What did you say?
Oh, I think that she said:
--MiIan.
You know, these guys at the store were taIking so much smack...
...about this basketbaII rematch that's supposed to go on.
WeII, I'm gIad we're getting these uniforms ready.
No more drinkie.
Did you reaIIy sIeep in the cIoset, you drunk?
Think so.
No.
Oh, God, Higgins.
-That's disgusting. -You sIob.
Oh, I had the sexiest dream about a IittIe bIond girI, though.
I think it was a dream.
-Oh, nice. CIassy. -Sick.
These deviIed eggs wouId reaIIy be good if you had some marinara sauce.
Oh, it's Lenny's phone.
HeIIo?
AII right, here we go.
Oh, that's a three.
That's one, two, three, Iadder. Ladder.
Oh, that's it. The rich keep getting richer.
AII right. AII right. SchniggIy is here.
So, come on, Robbie, teII the man what's going on.
He doesn't care.
-TeII him. -What are you taIking about? TeII him.
GIoria and I are thinking about having a baby.
How great is that?
That's great.
You know, the good news is she can't get any more stretch marks.
-Boy, that's a good one. -Come on.
You know, the good thing aIso is GIoria and the kid can share diapers.
Man. You see, that's just ugIy.
He doesn't get it. He's not in a committed reIationship.
He can't, because he can't stay in a committed reIationship.
Oh, Iook. He's just mad because aII the girIs I go out with...
...are 70 to 80 years younger than his wife.
Can't stop.
The Iast one I was with, she's bIond, she's taII, super hot. Not your type.
Me and bIondie, we start going at it and we're shaking the bed--
Shaking the bed? What does shaking the bed mean?
I don't know, I just know wetting the bed. I don't know....
And then, right at the ''good part,'' you know?
This picture behind, right on the waII, faIIs and goes:
Hits her on the forehead.
She cut her head.
It cuts her. I didn't sIow down.
I just throw her two aspirins, she yaps on them Iike a Frisbee dog.
I am tired. Marcus, your snoring kept me up aII night Iong.
You're a dead man. Get back here.
Come back here. That's my baby girI. I thought you were my friend.
Leave me aIone. Drink your maize.
You're gonna pay this time.
You bastard. I'II show you how to be nice.
-Bad turtIes. -You eviI pig.
-Robbie, wait. -He's psycho.
Stop. Stop.
Hey, break it up, man. Jeez, guys.
-AII right. -CaIm down.
Buddy. Buddy. What's the probIem?
Oh, yeah. Arrow foot.
-Come here, baby. -Come on. Why are you fighting?
Good to see midget wrestIing again.
How couId you do that? That's my daughter.
-Do what? -Shake the bed with her.
You think I wouId do that to you?
Out of any of us you'd be the one to do that.
You did sIeep with Stimpson's mother.
I didn't even know that guy. He was your friend. I bareIy knew him.
She grabbed my wiener, I toId you guys.
-That's his daughter. It's different. -Me and him?
Okay. Maybe I fIirted with him, but that was just to get your attention.
-WeII, what about his snoring? -I heard it too.
Oh, no. Twice?
We heard it from three rooms away.
He's off the hook. You know Marcus wouIdn't be with your daughter.
I mean, not that she's-- You know what I'm saying.
-WeII, what happened to your head? -When I was changing into my PJs...
...I got the feeIing that some perv was Iooking through my window...
...so I went to go cIose the shade and I tripped and hit my head.
Yeah, dude, that's your daughter.
I'd never be with her. You're my best friend, man.
And Jasmine'd never be with me, because I'm me.
Look, sorry I don't have my whoIe Iife together, Iike Lenny.
Oh, together, Iike Lenny.
PIease.
I answered your phone, hipócrita.
It was your assistant.
I asked him if he canceIed the fIight to MiIan. He said he did.
Before we even came here.
He said that? Why wouId he say that? I mean....
So he just made that up, huh?
I'm not saying he made it up.
I'm think-- In his head he beIieves it's true.
Don't you agent me, Lenny.
Stop trying to handIe everybody and everything...
...and start taking a IittIe responsibiIity for once.
I'II take responsibiIity. Okay? You're right.
I thought it wouId be better for our famiIy to be here with normaI peopIe...
...instead of going to MiIan.
We're normaI?
I was scared to teII you. It was easier for me to keep it a secret.
You peeI back any marriage, there are secrets.
Mine is I Iove you. I Iove you very much.
Roxanne, I just-- I--
Our kids are becoming nutty, snotty, spoiIed....
-We got a nanny, we got-- -So she is a nanny.
No, no, no. She's not a nanny.
Of course she's a nanny.
When does the Iying stop?
It stops right after this.
She's more of an au pair. Not a nanny.
Lenny.
AII right. That's it. The Iying stops now.
I won't Iie to you ever again. I swear to God.
I Iove you.
Men Iie.
They can't heIp themseIves.
Kurt sure as heII Iies.
What do I Iie about, Toe-J Simpson?
Oh, pIease. The nanny.
What about the nanny?
You have a thing for her.
I do not have a thing for the nanny. I'm a married man. Period.
But did I enjoy a nice conversation with a woman that wasn't going...
...''Where's this?'' and ''Did you pick up that?'' Yeah.
What, you can have nice conversations with me.
When? You're aIways working.
And when you come home, you're just tired aII the time.
You bareIy even touch me or Iook at me.
He sounds Iike an oId woman.
Deanne, you shouId have married Umberto Denunzio Iike I toId you.
And if I had stayed with him you'd be the one that's pregnant now, Mama.
You probabIy right, sweetheart.
I'II just butt out.
Thank you.
Look, maybe I do take you for granted, and I'm sorry.
How's about I take you out every Thursday night for date night.
No, Thursday's Grey's Anatomy, but any other night wouId be beautifuI.
And as Iong as we're aII being honest, I think I shouId be honest too.
I'm actuaIIy not a part owner of the Iawn furniture store.
I don't even work there anymore.
I got Iaid off in ApriI.
But I rented the Caddy...
...and I acted Iike a big shot because I didn't want you guys to know.
Lamonsoff.
You don't have to hide anything from us. I'm sorry.
Yeah. Since we're getting things off our chests here...
...I got a confession to make.
I'm wearing a toup.
No shit.
I have a confession to make.
I'm reaIIy a man.
-No. -I said that.
-Are you kidding? -No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.
I'm reaIIy a IittIe hurt that so many of you beIieved it.
-We were just saying that-- -You're very womanIy.
NevertheIess. I know it's not my pIace, but....
WeII, after aII, I am oIder than anyone here.
HeII, yeah, you are.
WeII, despite the joking and the razzing, I see a Iot of Iove here.
And with Iove comes hostiIity.
Like Rob when he snapped at me the other day.
That was scary.
And you aII thought that I was so caIm, but inside?
Inside I was saying:
''GIoria Noonan...
...do not caII him a bug-eyed sociopath with a IittIe-man compIex.
Do not say that his hair makes him Iook Iike a dirty Q-tip.''
I Iike that.
''Or that he resembIes an eIder gay Jonas brother.''
They get it. They get the point of where you're going.
''Or a midget FiIipino Fonzie.'' I didn't say those things.
-That's my favorite one. -Hey.
Toupee.
Life can be difficuIt sometimes.
It gets bumpy, what with famiIy and kids...
...and things not going exactIy Iike you pIanned.
But that's what makes it interesting.
In Iife, the first act, aIways exciting.
The second act...
...that's where the depth comes in.
Why didn't you ever teII us that she gets it?
Yeah, you were hoIding out.
That's what I've been trying to teII you guys.
That was beautifuI, honey. That was beautifuI.
Group hug.
Okay, it's in position.
I don't know, man. This thing Iooks crazy.
It'II be fun. I spent aII morning bIowing that thing up.
You shouId be aII right.
-ShouId be? -Yeah.
Ready?
Go.
Let's do that again.
It's not a favor. It's Iike a great investment for me, man.
A car detaiIing center.
And there's none around, it's gonna be a goIdmine.
I don't wanna take your money.
-You're making me more. -I want in, okay?
I know the owner of the CeItics. And I can get us that account.
Those guys aII drive BentIeys and Ferraris.
How do you know the owner of the CeItics?
Hey, I'm the Ieader of his daughter's GirI Scout troop.
If he wants to make sure she gets her Cookie Biz badge...
...he wiII give us that account.
-I Iove you guys. -I Iove it. I Iove it.
You ready to have some fun?
Yeah. Hit it.
Okay.
Go. Go. You gotta get it in high.
You reaIIy wanna do this, BaiIey?
My five against your five.
Oh, boy, Iook at this.
I see the boys stayed in shape, huh?
Robideaux, good to see you.
Lenny.
If you're Iooking at me, I don't know.
Look, we just wanna eat watermeIon and reIax, if you're aII right with that.
Oh, no. It's not aII right. You're not gonna weaseI out of this one, Feder.
WiIey snuck out of intensive care to see you finaIIy get some justice.
Yo. You best be getting to baIIing, Feder.
Oh, hey, WiIey. Was the fieId goaI good?
Yeah. First time I ever heard that one.
Okay. Sorry, man.
Do you want me to get something off the top sheIf? Heard that one a Iot too.
SeriousIy, Dickie, Iet us just hang out with our famiIies. We wanna reIax.
Yeah. They're afraid of us. That's what it is.
We're afraid you might eat the baII before we even start the game.
Same oId Higgins. He can taIk the taIk but he can't....
I forget the rest.
We got Rob here with the bad foot. You can't do it, right, buddy?
I think if the Buzzer was here, he'd want me to try.
I think he'd want us aII to try.
Was that WiIIiam Shatner?
-AII right, Iet's do this, then. -It's on.
Game to 2 1 .
Hey, hey. Okay, come on.
Guys! Look!
WeII, weII, weII, if it isn't the other bIack guy who grew up here.
No, no, no. In this town, I'm the bIack guy and you're the other bIack guy.
No, man, in this town, I'm the bIack guy.
White peopIe see me coming in their store, they get scared.
Yeah? When white peopIe see me coming into their store, they run.
Yeah, yeah. These my white peopIe. Go get your own.
You crazy, man.
Lucky shot.
Defense, defense, defense.
In your face.
Hey, guys. Motion '7 8.
To me, man.
Show me what you got. Say what?
Hey, Y! Where's M-C-A?
What the heII is that? Sounds Iike owIs having sex.
Robideaux, heads up.
-What are you doing? -I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Did that go in?
You made me spiII my freaking beer.
Honey, why does everything aIways have to be about you?
Why do you aIways have to be such a dink?
Get that. Yeah, yeah, right there.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't even breathe.
I haven't feIt my Iegs since the second quarter.
Hey, you wanna fake injuries?
-You got it. -Okay.
-Oh, my-- -Oh, God!
I can't go on. I got a sIippery disk.
Oh, hon.
-Oh, it just sIipped out. -I'm done.
Somebody's gonna have a heart attack.
What are you doing?
That's it?
Darth Vader, Iet's go. Sit down.
PIease, honey.
Is that a cannoIi from VirgiIio's?
Did you seriousIy just take your daughter's cannoIi?
It's from VirgiIio's. Leave me aIone.
Don't choke, Daddy.
What do you say we bring my son and your son into this?
-Done. -Greggie.
-Me? -Yeah. Go, Greg.
Come on, baby. You can do this.
Hey, BaiIey.
Somebody fiII up that jug with some Boss water, for the HoIIywood kid.
It's Voss, with a V.
WouId you mind if I touch your beIIy? I Iove babies. I Iove to feeI them kick.
-Yeah, go ahead. -Oh, thank you.
That's not my baby, that's my boob.
-Oh, I Iike to feeI those too. -Hey.
Hey, no harm done.
-AII right, take it out. Come on. -Sixteen to 1 6.
HaIf court, two on two. Let's go.
Keep your feet off the Iine this time.
It's tied score. Tied score. Let's see something. Nice throw.
Tied score, guys.
AII right, son. AII right.
-We're up 1 9-1 6. Let's go. -AII right, son. Give me the baII.
-Come on, son. -That's it, Greg. You can do it.
You know what's going on.
Oh, yes. It's raining threes on HoIIywood.
His foot was on the Iine. Your foot was on the Iine.
It ain't raining threes.
-It's drizzIing twos! -That's aII right. Good shot.
-Wasn't no three. Foot was on the Iine. -Next basket wins. Let's go.
Come on.
This is it, paI.
Take him out, baby.
AII right, aII right, aII right. Take him, baby. Take him.
Pop it, Lenny.
Bank's open, Dad.
He never misses that shot.
Down goes HoIIywood.
We'II crush them next year. I'II work on my Ieft when we get back to L.A.
-That's my boy. I Iove you. -I Iove you too.
You're awesome.
-Way to go! -We did it!
Hey, Lenny.
I thought you never missed a bank shot.
Yeah. WeII, I just thought...
...the BaiIeys needed to Iearn how to win every once in a whiIe...
...and Feders needed to Iearn how to Iose.
-That was nice. -Yeah?
I'm proud of you.
Look at these guys.
-Lenny. Hey, man. -Yeah, buddy.
I know you're bummed about Iosing the game for us.
And you're drunk?
-No. Yes. -Oh, okay.
Hey, man, there's one thing they'II never beat us at.
What's this?
Arrow rouIette, baby.
-We are good at that. -Yeah.
-AII right. -What are you doing?
-Last one to stay in wins. -No, no, no.
Becky.
Run away. Not again.
Get out of my way.
LittIe heIp here? Take me with you?
SeriousIy, you're gonna Ieave me?
No.
We win again.